Saying Goodbye...

After I left the hospital that day, everything just went blank. I don't really remember what people said to me. I was just so numb. Finally May 5th, I woke up and realized that today was the day that I would see my son for the very last time. The day was very busy, but it seemed to drag on. We got to the funeral home before they were ready. It didn't bother me because I didn't know if I was ready yet. I went into the office and was looking at Urns and Keepsakes. Acting like I was okay. That I could do this. Once the Keepsakes were picked out we decided to go outside so they could finish. As we got close to the door we were stopped and told that we could see him. My heart stopped. I think I quit breathing. I felt like I was in a nightmare. As the door opened and I went in the room, my stomach knotted. Then I saw him, my precious baby boy, laying in the extremely small casket. My feet seemed to be to heavy to walk. I kept telling myself that this couldn't be real. When we finally got to the casket, the tears and screams came out. I had to sit down. I touched his cold skin. I kept rubbing his hand, so I could just feel warmth from it just one more time. As I sat there I begged to God again to bring him back. I begged to take my life and bring him back. My prayer was sadly unanswered.
My family arrived shortly after we approved of the arrangements. As I expected no one wanted to go into the room that Madex was in. Who would want to see a child laying there lifeless? I couldn't blame anyone. I couldn't go into the room without breaking down. Before too long it was time for the service. Pastor Neil Crass said a few words from the book of Jeremiah and the words went straight to my heart. After the Neil was done, the song "I could only imagine" was played. Everyone and I mean everyone there was in tears. There was no tissues left by the end of the song. Madex's grandfather, Brother John McElhaney, finished the service, but to my surprise I don't remember anything he said. My focus was on my son behind him. During the entire service all I thought about was my son. I just needed to touch him again.
The service came to a close and everyone said their goodbyes to Madex. My husband and I were the last ones to leave the funeral home. I kept thinking I just can't leave him here. I just can't let him go. When I said my final goodbye, it took what it seemed hours to get the will to get into the car and leave. My husband had to drive because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind. I needed to be with him and knowing that I couldn't just killed me even more. As we drove away, I turned around and blew one final kiss.