Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Nightmare turned into Reality...

On May 3rd, 2012 I just got up around 7am and made Madex a bottle. He was still asleep but I knew he would wake up any minute wanting it. Sure enough not even 2 minutes after the bottle was made, he started crying. After his feeding, I changed his diaper and put him on a Tennessee outfit (which I knew his father would hate because he is a Florida fan). I sat Madex on the couch next to me and started playing with him. I loved making him laugh. Within no time Anthony was home from work. He expected to see me and Madex waiting for him. Madex's eyes would light up every time he saw his daddy. Madex's eyes followed Anthony and he just smiled. Shortly after Anthony got home, I started getting ready for work. Madex was fine til he saw me walking out the door and he started crying. I just laughed because I expected it. I came back in and fed Madex his next bottle and rocked him to sleep. I gave him and Anthony a kiss goodbye and left for work. This was our everyday routine.
I had been at work for about 4 hours when I was talking to a customer about my children. I always bragged about my boys every chance I got. Then my CSM came up and told me to clock out after I was done with the customer. I just looked at her and said why? Am I on break already? She just looked at me and said No. I then asked Did I do something wrong? She then replied to me that they received a phone call saying that one of my children were in the hospital. My heart dropped. I slowly started having a panic attack. I jerked my cell phone out of my pocket and called my husbands Nanny. She told me that one of the kids stopped breathing. I knew exactly what child was at the hospital. It had to be Madex. I knew it was Madex. I tried to stay calm because his Nanny seemed to be okay. But I was shaking so bad and tears were streaming down my face. Another CSM walked me to my car and asked if they should drive me to the hospital. I quietly replied No and got in my car. I called Anthony while I was in the car and he just told me to get there. That no one would tell him anything. After hanging up the phone with him. I called my mother. I was crying trying to explain to her what was going on even though I had no clue what was going on. She soon was in a panic and told me she would be at the hospital ASAP.
 I was speeding the entire way to get my husband and kids. I was maybe in the drive way for 30 seconds before pulling out and speeding to the hospital. My husband just kept saying he was going to be alright. We made it to the hospital in record time. When I walked in I immediately saw my sister Laura would was in the waiting room with her kids. I walked up to the front counter and said that my son, Madex McElhaney was just brought it. Before the woman would respond, another nurse cut in and said that the doctor would like to speak with me. I turned to Laura and asked her to watch my boys. She didn't hesitate. The nurse walked me and Anthony down the hallway. She stopped in front the chapel door. In my mind I kept asking myself why would she bring me here. My son is just fine. As the chapel door opened I saw my mother sitting down, but quickly changed my gaze to my sister, Jennifer, who stood up as soon as she seen me. I looked into her tear filled eyes and knew. I knew my son was gone. I knew he left this world. I screamed and collapsed in the pew . I begged God to take me instead. I begged him to bring back my son. I need him. I can't be without him. Things began to blur and All I could do was crying and beg to God for him to bring him back to me. Soon the doctor came in. He was explaining what happened. He said that there was formula caught in the back of his throat and it went back down into his lungs. I felt like I died too. The next thing I remember is needing to see my other boys. I needed to see that they were fine. I hugged them so tight that I was surprised they didn't try to get away, but I guess a part of them knew their Mommy needed them. Finally I walked back to see Madex. As they opened the door, it didn't seem real. I remember needing to sit down and couldn't hardly look at him. I blamed myself, I blamed my husband, but worse of all I blamed God. I was so angry. And a part of me still is angry. I left the room shortly after seeing him. I couldn't stay in there. I kept thinking that it would go away. That I would just go home and he was going to be fine. Later on I went back and seen Madex one more time. I needed to say goodbye. This time I talked to him, I begged him to forgive me for failing him as a mother. I should have been there when he needed me, but I wasn't. I kissed his cold forehead repeatly trying to bring back the warmth that I remembered. Wishing it was like a fairy tale and my kiss would bring him back to life. This time it took a long time before I could leave the room.

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